is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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