SEEEEXXX PLEASE
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
