why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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