um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
