Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
