just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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