Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
