wrigley field is MILF paradise
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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