I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
