Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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