bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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