If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
