How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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