Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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