It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just had sex on a roof
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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