Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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