Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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