Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
