FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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