you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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