I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you didnt know i had herpes?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
