I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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