There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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