so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
