i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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