my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
