how can u be prego again
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
