brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
