Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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