textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
