I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
