i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
