yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
