when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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