i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
he was CRYING into my vagina
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
