Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
