i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
