Need sex. Gaining weight.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
