i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
