made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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