A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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