Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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