i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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