When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
