if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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