I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
do herpes really smell.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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