Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
