she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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