This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
