There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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